A team comes from the North - Asian Championships, Shanghai 2006
One day in the year of AD2006, Our Lord looked down at the land of Northeastern China and was well pleased...
That particular portion of the land of China (Editor’s note: Our Lord, a.k.a ‘God’, fully supports the one-China policy) seemed prosperous, its people living in happiness and contentment. Something, however, was missing but Our Lord couldn’t quite put his Cistine Chapel ceiling finger on it. Then finally it came to him as a flash of lightning rent the sky. With a great roar he summoned the Archangel Michael.
“Mick”, he bellowed, “Did you know that there is not even one Jaysus Gah team in the whole of the shagging northeast of China?”
“You’re joking me Almighty” replied the Angel, “That’s bleedin disgraceful. Listen to me now. Don’t get your knickers in a twist. I’m on it.”
And thus was the seed of divine inspiration planted in the hearts of selected Irishmen to begin a Gaelic football team in Dalian, the better to ease the bitter hardship of their emigrant lives in a land far away from the misty bog and TK Red Lemonade.
Finding a profound shortage of passport-carrying Gaels in the region, the undaunted pioneers recruited from among the citizens of many nations inspiring their hearts and uplifting their troubled souls with talk of high catches, solo runs and sticking to your man like shite to a blanket.
Young men and old women, old women and young men from the lands of China, Japan, Indonesia, Cameroon, Canada, Australia, New Zealand, England, Scotland, France and America have rallied to the banner.
Quick fix acculturation tactics have been used to inculcate our foreign friends into the mindset necessary for the unique challenges of playing Gaelic football. These have included:
· compulsory celibacy · monthly readings from the Farmer’s Journal · occasional practice of the skills of the game
Since April under the supervision of Peter and Mikey, every Wednesday night, the peaceful calm of Chinese evenings has been disturbed by shouts of “Would ya hit him for Jaysus sake”; the old men gracefully going through their nightly tai qi routines have been thrown off balance by exasperated cries of “Lord God, for the 50th time ye can’t throw the bloody ball…hey does anyone know the Chinese for ‘throw’”.
Progress has been made. A local wee Dalian maiden named Emily has developed a breakthrough new ‘side-saddle’ solo run which could revolutionize the game, or at the very least inflame the night time dreams of a generation of Irish bachelor farmers should they be granted the good fortune to gaze upon it.
From this tumult has emerged eleven warrior-gods to wear the coveted, if as yet unpurchased, jersey of the Dalian Wolfhounds. These men and one woman will carry the hopes and prayers of every man, woman and unmolested chicken in northeast China at the Asian Gathering of the Clans in Shanghai. They are:
· Kelvin Lee Mui – Canadian speed merchant (a man blessed with rapidity of movement not a purveyor of white powder)
· Sam Scott – Kiwi man-mountain
· Peter Donelan – Limerick’s Grandmaster Flash
· Philip Dunne- flame-haired, fleet-footed Clontarf flier
· Levi Meadows – glorious convert from the heretical Church of Ozzie Rules
· Mikey Farrelly – Kells of the Book, Co Meath
· Dermot Devine – Lord of the Shimmy and the Song from Tee-Rone
· Jonathan Clarke – Maestro Offaly hurler slumming it with the bogball boys
· Mike Goodwin – American mayhem and chaos enforcer
· Matt Murray – Innkeeper (Tin Whistle bar), sponsor and unwilling participant.
These brave and valiant heroes go to fight confident in the knowledge that should they fall in battle, ten virginal cailíní (for Urangoo ten strapping Irish male virgins – sorry Urangoo!) shall await them in Paradise bearing cool pints of Smithwicks and Harp.
Our Lord fears not for them. Some Shanghai bars have begged to differ.
Go to Top
